Patris et Filii et Spiritus et Eggsy
by LionessInTheSmoke
Summary: Occasionally a job will come in that requires very particular skills, and Merlin will be required to reluctantly don his cassock and take care of Our Father's business. This time Eggsy is going too. Rather alternative Malahad.


**AN** \- If you are easily offended by irreverence towards the church, this is not for you. Otherwise swearing, implied Malahad and Eggsy's newest bizarre skill.

* * *

"Holy shit!" Eggsy exclaimed, unintentionally accurately, and covered his eyes. "I'll come back in half an hour." He turned and reached for the dining room door handle.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked from his seat at the top of the table.

"I do not need to witness whatever weird, kinky role-playing malarkey two people, who are supposed to be proper adult role models for me by the way, get up to all over the office furniture." Eggsy replied concentrating on the grain of the door.

Merlin snorted.

"I wish that's what we were doing." He muttered from his place perched on the table in front of Harry.

"If it was, and you had not in fact been summoned for a briefing Eggsy," Harry said in his best 'proper adult' mentoring voice. "Which one simple action on your part could have avoided potential embarrassment on all our parts?"

"Knocking like a civilized person." Eggsy said. "You pedantic sod."

"That is 'You pedantic sod, Sir.' You cheeky brat." Harry said calmly. "Take a seat Galahad, you are here for a reason."

"You gonna tell me why Merlin's done up as a God-botherer if you ain't indulging in some kinda confessional, glory hole sex game?"

Merlin glided his way smoothly to his feet and looked unimpressed, which was not uncommon and could have related to any number of things about the situation. For once, Eggsy was inclined to believe it wasn't actually entirely him.

"He's going into the field." Harry replied.

"Undercover? As a priest? No one's gonna buy that!" Eggsy shook his head. "He's got a mouth like a sailor on him."

"I know exactly what his mouth is like, and, fortunately, no one has to buy it. It is God's own truth." Harry said, sounding vaguely disgusted. "He was young, and needed the money. Or so he tells me." Harry did not sound like he was entirely convinced by this explanation. "He is in fact an ordained priest." Harry actually soundly personally insulted by the fact.

"Fuck off!" Said Eggsy, rocking his chair back on two legs and gawping at Merlin, who made his way down the table to him, looking rather tired. "Better 'an wot I done when I was younger and needed cash though. Probably." Eggsy shrugged, sensing that, although it was certain to be an interesting story, this was a long running discussion that he did not want to be caught up in.

Merlin dropped a curled strip of paper on the table in front of Eggsy.

"'Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?'" Eggsy read. "The fuck is this? Shakespeare or sumthin?"

"It is a bloody misquote and he knows it." Merlin rumbled. "My dear old Pa's idea of a joke."

Eggsy managed not to exclaim at that piece of information. But it was close.

For various reasons, Eggsy had never really considered the possibility of Merlin having parents. Especially ones with any semblance of a sense of humor. He just assumed that Merlin had stepped forth one day on a hillside, fully formed, grumpy and bald, from a very large egg. Rather like a two-legged haggis. Probably already in possession of a clipboard and jumper, attended by a cherubic Harry and surrounded by the glowing light of a swarm of computer monitors. It was all very Botticelli in Eggsy's head. That was Harry's fault. He'd been forcing regular doses of 'Education' on Eggsy. Still, it was better than Bosch, who had resulted in a very bad week when Eggsy had completely sworn off cheese to avoid the nightmares. Apparently, drugs had always been a big thing in Holland.

"It is a kill order from the Vatican." Harry chimed in, only slightly more helpfully as the statement actually just added to Eggsy's general confusion.

"Why do we get kill orders from the Vatican?" Eggsy asked. "Did someone forget to tell me we's Catholic? And why are they sent on fortune cookie strips? And what's it all got to do with your pa Merlin?"

"It is not paper, it is parchment." Harry explained. "It has to be small so the pigeon can carry it."

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Said Eggsy, rolling his eyes. "Pigeons? We got messenger pigeons?"

"Padre has messenger pigeons, some of them just happen to be trained to come here. London and Rome are both full of the blasted things." Merlin said. "It is actually a fairly discreet method of communication."

"Bit low tech for anyone in your family, I'd've thought?" Eggsy questioned, trying to imagine a family of Merlins, and failing because he much preferred his giant egg theory.

"It is written in his blood, so I can test the DNA and verify it is from him." Merlin replied.

"Rank!" Eggsy said dropping the strip. "And fucking weird. Why are all the Kingsman families so fucking weird?"

"Inbreeding." Harry answered. "But Merlin isn't from a traditional Kingsman family. Individually, they 'got like this' all by themselves. More or less."

"Not too keen on the in-laws then?" Eggsy asked.

Harry snorted, in a very gentlemanly fashion. Eggsy hadn't gotten the hang of that yet, but it was on his list.

"I am always prepared to be civil for Merlin's sake. I've never known exactly what I _personally_ have done to him."

"So why are we talking about doing a job for him, if you don't like him? Who the hell is he anyway?"

"Beatissimo Padre is His Holiness the Pope." Merlin scowled.

"The Pope?" Eggsy repeated. "Bloke in the custom bubble car? Lots of waving, Latin catchphrase? 'Oi mate, me cactus', or some shite?" He thought about it, trying to bring a clear picture of the man to mind and compare it with the decidedly grumpy face of the handler in front of him. "Actually, yeah. I can see it." Eggsy nodded. "You totally got all of his nose! And the dress-wearing tendencies. Means he was a really shit priest though, yeah? Ain't they supposed to be married to Christ and reject all others or sumthin?"

"That's nuns. Otherwise they would be on very shaky ground where same-sex marriages are concerned." Said Harry. "Priests are just supposed to be celibate."

"He has a great many faults. He prays regularly for forgiveness for them." Merlin said sourly. "But to err is human ..."

"Have you ever thought of getting some therapy?" Eggsy asked. "This could be the root of your deep-seated problem with authority figures."

Harry chuckled and Merlin glared at them both.

"Back to the important question." Harry said, still fighting his smile. "Why do we have a kill order from the pope and why are we going to carry it out? Quite simple. The Vatican is full of spies, you literally cannot get three priests in a room there without at least one of them being a spy. If Padre says this man needs to die, he has a corroborated reason for it, and also a good reason it cannot be taken care of in-house."

"And because Merlin is his son, he gets discounted rates, or wot? How does he even know about us?" Eggsy wanted to know.

Merlin cleared his throat with a cough.

"That is a story for another time." Harry said with a glance at his partner. "All you need to know now is that Merlin is going into the field. Protocol says if Merlin is going out, an agent must accompany him. Previously that would have been me, but as I am Arthur now ..."

"You'd need a babysitter an' all an' nobody'd be in charge, an' half the bloody table'd be out on one job. Why does Merlin have to go? I could do it meself for practice, or Percy could do it. With like a toothpick. From Vienna."

"With a toothpick certainly." Harry agreed. "But not from Vienna, that would be stretching even his abilities in the area. Especially as he has been barred from Austria since the "Great Misunderstanding of 1997" with the Welsh rugby team..."

"Harry." Merlin cut in just as Harry was obviously getting ready to tell what Eggsy was sure would be a very interesting story that he was definitely going to ask Roxy about later. "Neither you nor Percival would be allowed anywhere near him alone, even with a deniable cover." Merlin continued. "I am on the access list."

"An' me?"

"You are a very troubled young man in need of the very best spiritual guidance." Harry said. "And rich enough that your father confessor has managed to get you an appointment with his Arse-holiness on one of his rare, but in this case unofficial, visits to the British Isles."

"Well, that's close enough on some counts to be believable." Eggsy agreed. "I'm into all kinds of trouble. I can't even begin to describe the sinful things I wanted to do to Father Merlin while I was a candidate."

"The Reverend Monsignor Rupert Salussolia-Grieves." Harry corrected.

"Well fuck! He's a mouthful, ain't he?" Eggsy winked.

"Yes." Said Harry smugly.

"You actually gonna wear the robes? In public?" Eggsy asked, the very clearly unamused, Merlin.

"It's called a cassock." Merlin said. "I don't have a choice in the matter."

"Andrew was very excited." Harry added. "He doesn't get to make them very often, and to top it all off, look at the fuchsia piping!"

"Fabulous!" Eggsy grinned.

"Not the word I would use." Merlin grumped. "But at least it is good for hiding things under. Even better than a kilt. Go pack a bag, Lad. The jet is waiting."

* * *

Harry was waiting for him at the foot of the stairs to one of Kingsman's private jets, trying to look casual with one hand in a trouser pocket. Eggsy was not fooled.

"Keep an eye on him for me please Eggsy." He said. "Breathing in all the guilt and repression is not good for him. And his father keeps trying to make him renounce me and throw himself on God's mercy."

"Prat." Eggsy said succinctly. "I will do my best to be the Devil's Advocate, but honestly Harry I do think he knows by now that sodomy is more fun than self-flagellation."

"Unfortunately, one does not require a whip to beat oneself." Harry said. "Good luck." He gave Eggsy's shoulder a squeeze and left the bay.

* * *

Merlin was already buckled in for take-off, fiddling with three tablets and a stack of brown folders. He was radiating leave-me-alone signals that Eggsy decided to ignore because he also looked fucking miserable, even for Merlin.

"How are you making that look good?" Eggsy asked, giving him a clear once-over. "Just how? You look like Neo's much sexier dad."

"So are you calling me old? Or telling me I have a dad-bod?" Merlin asked, swiping at his tablets and not looking up.

"Or I could be paying you a compliment." Eggsy said, strapping himself in. "Had to happen sooner or later, as fit as you are. Just needed you out of your usual outfit and into your Sunday-best."

Merlin tilted his head in mock reflection.

"It's the height. You need to be a tall, lanky bastard to pull this off. I don't recommend you ever try it."

"Arse." Eggsy smiled, feeling the atmosphere lift slightly. "Give me the crash course in Catholicism? I don't think I've bin at a service o' any kind since I were in a nativity play as a kid."

"What role did you play?" Merlin asked, drumming his fingers on the arm of his seat.

"I was the second camel." Eggsy grinned. "I was amazing! It was a speaking role but I learned how to make the camel noise too off of a BBC nature doc. Daz loves it." Eggsy demonstrated loudly. "Actually, David Attenborough prob'ly primed me from a young age t' listen t' posh blokes."

"Hmm, they found the perfect role for you. Stubborn, rebellious, dangerous at both ends ... " Eggsy preened a bit at the unexpected, but expectedly subtle, praise. "Harry told you to watch my back around my father, didn't he?"

"He's keen you come back at the same point on the Kinsey scale you left at ..." Eggsy said.

"As if that is an actual danger. The times I've been out with him because of Pa, I might as well have been on my own. No bloody clue what was going on around him, too busy gawping like a fish at the artwork. My protection was completely up to myself and Pa's mercs. Not that the mercs aren't good but I doubt that'll be a problem with you at least."

"Not that I believe none o' that slander when it comes to _your_ protection mate, but I've only got eyes for you Merlin." Eggsy gave a lewd wink and smiled.

"Well that would be a waste, you can gawp at me any time, but there are centuries of history and international skulduggery surrounding you anywhere the church has a base. It is humbling, even if you are completely immune to the religious side."

"Can't say I've given it much thought really." Eggsy admitted.

"My son," said Merlin, with a smile that was all teeth. "Let us begin the struggle to save your wretched immortal soul..."

* * *

They were collected from the airfield by a driver with a sleek black limo, who took them further and further from civilization.

"The pope speaks Italian, Latin, Greek, Russian, English, French and Spanish." Merlin warned. "So we have no common language we can communicate in that he won't understand."

"Well you weren't expecting 'the call', or you'd've taught me something." Eggsy shrugged. "What did you use with Arthur?"

"Gaelic. His Holiness wasn't in Scotland long enough to pick it up and hates the weather enough to avoid Ireland where possible too." Merlin took a deep breath. "Galahad, there is a good chance that I have been called here to assist with an exorcism."

"You fucking wot?!" Eggsy spluttered. "You're gonna wave candles at some poor git who is just suffering some kind of mental health issue?"

"No." Merlin said firmly. "Before he was elected to the Holy See, he was chief exorcist. Amongst other things. If he says someone is possessed, then all other options have been discarded and there will be real demons involved."

"Real demons?! Oh come on Merlin. Not crap I'd expect from you." Eggsy looked at his solemn mentor hoping he had finally developed the elusive sense of humor.

"Demons are non-human intelligences that exist on Earth. They may or may not have any connection to what organized religion considers 'the devil' and they may not all be truly malign. They occasionally become powerful enough to take over a person, and then they must be removed forcefully. That is what an exorcism is."

"And you've done it before?" Eggsy asked. "It is a thing you've actually seen?"

"Aye. And every time Padre gets in touch, I actually pray it is just a hit-job."

"Has Harry been with you?" Eggsy wondered why he had not warned him about the possibility of weird paranormal shite if he had previous experience of it.

"No." Merlin replied. "He is not qualified."

"No, coz how many exorcists does one spy agency need?! Fucking fuck Merlin! What about ghosts?"

"Don't be dense. Ghosts don't exist." Merlin hrumpfted.

"Up until about a minute ago, I didn't think exorcisms did neither. I thought it was all pea soup for vom and a shit-tonne of make-up."

"The pea soup is unfortunately fairly accurate, but completely fails to capture the smell." Merlin replied and spent the rest of the trip staring out of the car window at Ireland's green countryside, leaving Eggsy alone with his over-active imagination.

* * *

When they arrived Eggsy was mindful of his duty to protect Merlin, but also completely understood Harry's tendency to gawp.

After V-Day, Eggsy had been honored at Buckingham Palace in a private ceremony and had also been to Drottningholm Palace in Sweden (for a completely private visit) but he had been seeing a lot of old castles too recently, as super villains seemed to like them, and was developing an eye for architectural details which Harry was encouraging. The church, which seemed to have been picked for privacy, impressed him. Especially the stained glass with especially firey looking angels merrily smiting away.

The pope dismissed his entire routine when they were escorted in and slowly, reluctantly and somewhat jealously in some cases, they filed out, or took up guarding positions that allowed for privacy.

"It is good that Hart has been made Arthur and could not attend with you." The pope said. "The new Galahad is much more appropriate."

"Hello Pa, how have you been?" Merlin said with a sigh, choosing to attempt some politeness. Eggsy felt hurt on his behalf when the reply was a familiar looking raised eyebrow.

Stood facing each other, it was hard to overlook the similarities between the two men. Although the pope still had full, grey hair, even if it was strongly widows peaked, and Merlin was slightly taller. The nose was unmistakable.

"Your Holiness, may I introduce Gary Unwin? Galahad, His Holiness, Pope Innocent the fourteenth." Merlin said after a pause.

"Yer Honour." Said Eggsy rudely, giving the pope a good eyeballing that specifically took in all of the bling he was wearing.

"He'll do very well." Innocent nodded. "Come along, we haven't much time."

Without any further explanation, he turned and opened the door to a secret passage way. That lead to an older secret passage, which lead to an ancient set of stairs. Fortunately someone had added electric lighting, although it looked rather jerry-rigged to Eggsy. At the foot of the stairs, the pope unlocked a door.

There was a man tied to a chair with a bag over his head. That much was familiar to Eggsy. The paraphernalia lying spread out on a long table was not the standard torture implements he would have expected however. He could only guess at most of it.

"Ah. Pea soup, Galahad." Merlin said, looking slightly green himself.

"Under the bag is an archbishop, one of my nuncios, and his unpleasant guests. I believe there to be at least three demons inhabiting him. He seems to have picked them up doing some very unpleasant things himself, which they are very keen to tell everyone about now they have been discovered. This would be very damaging to the reputation of the church if any of it came out, which is why I have called for you, my son." The pope looked at Merlin. "We will exorcise him, I will give him the last rites and you will send him to judgment. Your apprentice knight may remain, he will not complicate the proceedings."

Merlin looked surprised but nodded.

The pope walked the length of the table and selected a crucifix which he handed to Eggsy.

"Hold this, be prepared to assist exactly as requested, do not interfere, do not interact with any entity that is not myself or your superior. Do you understand?"

"Do as I'm told and keep schtum. Yeah, got it."

"Kneel and receive the general absolution." Innocent ordered and both Merlin and Eggsy (after a look that loudly asked if this was for real) went down on their knees to be blessed and sprinkled with holy water.

The pope nodded, indicated they could rise and stalked over to his prisoner, whipping the bag off his head and holding another crucifix right in his face in a series of cat quick movements which impressed Eggsy with their speed and fluidity coming from someone over 80.

The archbishop's face was purple and he immediately began hissing and rasping in Latin. The pope looked serene and unimpressed and began reciting the rites of exorcism. Merlin echoed him and in the small underground room it sounded to Eggsy as if there were more than two voices reverberating.

Before long, the various tools of the exorcist's trade began to rattle on the table.

"Grab a shield!" Merlin called urgently, suiting his own words by pulling a surprisingly modern police riot shield from its place by the door. Eggsy followed his lead. They got them up in time to shield all three of them from the hail of implements. Some of them looked extremely sharp.

Eggsy let out a whimper because this was all very much outside of his experience, but the pope didn't bat an eyelid and Merlin quickly resumed his role as chorus.

Eggsy had absolutely no idea what the two men were saying, he'd been put on the Slavic language track, but it really did seem to be pissing off the archbishop no end. There was bloody foam coming from his mouth as he kept up a conversation all by himself. Presumably, this was the confession that the pope did not want anyone to hear, the demons listing the archbishop's apparently very numerous sins. Eggsy didn't understand a word of it, and he was more concerned about the way the chair, which was bolted to the floor, was starting to creak and groan.

"Father!" Eggsy hissed, not bothered about whose attention he attracted.

"Holy water." Said Merlin. "In the flask."

Eggsy picked up a dented cantine.

"Tip it on him and get back. That's what usually causes them to vomit."

Eggsy crept behind the chair and upended the cantine. The water turned to steam and Eggsy did not manage to jump back fast enough as he had not been expecting the archbishop's head to turn through 360 degrees as he projectile vomited. He should have been, he had seen 'The Exorcist' at some point. Merlin had used his shield again to protect himself and his father.

The smell was absolutely foul, full of sulfur and putridness, and it quickly filled the room. Eggsy gagged and threw off his jacket, which had taken most of the hit.

"This is fucking rank, Father!" He exclaimed.

"Don't swear!" Merlin admonished, too late as Eggsy was lifted off his feet and his shoulders, neck and head pressed hard against the ceiling as his legs dangled and kicked frantically.

"Release him!" Merlin commanded, grabbing another cantine from the floor and lobbing it allover Eggsy. "You have no power over him!"

Eggsy dropped spluttering to ground, massaging his throat, too shocked to wipe the water out of his face.

"Not a word, Lad." Merlin said, checking him over quickly. "It is best their attention is on us."

Eggsy could not agree more and nodded. The pope had not broken his concentration throughout the whole incident, he continued stridently on through the rite and Merlin joined straight back in.

Eggsy sat recovering on the floor, clutching the crucifix he had dropped.

 _I did not sign up for this!_ He thought as he watched the confrontation continue.

The pope's feet were firmly planted in a strong stance on the floor, he stood tall and straight, no sign of age on him, one arm extended holding the crucifix in front of the archbishop's face, the other hand hung working a rosary at his side. His eyes glared calmly straight into the alarmingly bloodshot ones of the possessed man, as he performed the rite from memory.

How many times has he done this? Eggsy wondered, noting that the tone of the man's voice was remarkably similar to Merlin's when it was in his ear on a mission. Firm, commanding, in total control regardless of how tits up everything seemed on the ground. Eggsy was not in a position to assess whether everything had gone tits up here, or if this was just your regular common or garden type exorcism.

However it was not Merlin's first time and his body was tight with tension and he was sweating. So maybe it was something a bit more complicated. His eyes were constantly darting about, keeping the whole room and its occupants under observation. He was concentrating hard, what went in his ears from the pope, came out of his mouth a moment later. Apparently, he did not know the rite by heart but was trusting his father absolutely and filtering out the interference from the hissing and threats of the archbishop.

Eggsy felt oddly split in two. Part of him was watching in absolute horror as some kind of high point seemed to be reached, the pope brandishing his crucifix forcefully as a wind came out of nowhere and tore at the priests' cassocks. That part of Eggsy grabbed another cantine and gave the archbishop another dousing. For luck, and because it sure as hell couldn't do any harm.

The second part of Eggsy was wondering about the rift between father and son. They seemed so alike, and perhaps that was the issue. Eggsy did not believe Merlin had been excommunicated from the family (whoever else the family may have consisted of), although Harry was obviously an issue. Which was unsurprising, given the givens. Why was Eggsy allowed to be here though when apparently Harry had not been? When it looked like Merlin needed nothing so much as Harry beside him? Harry may have his problems with the pope, with the Catholic church, with religion in general, but he believed in Merlin with fierce conviction. Harry loved the cranky bastard, just as Eggsy had slowly come to realize that he did too (although totally platonically because blokes were not his thing usually, and he wouldn't poach anyway).

"Merlin." Eggsy found himself saying without realizing he intended to open his mouth. "You've totally got this Guv." He got to his feet, held his crucifix out in front of him and stood at Merlin's side, right where Harry should be. "Stop messing about and put this thing to bed so we can go home and have a rip-roaring communion in your bloke's well-stocked wine cellar."

And Merlin's attention focused solely on the struggling man tied to the chair, his voice became firmer, and more Scottish. It was his 'See you, Jimmy' voice and it meant business. It meant arse was going to be severely kicked.

The air was suddenly freezing and the pope pulled a bottle from his cassock. It was made of very thick, ugly glass. He commanded. Merlin added the force of his own command, grabbed a hand bell from where it had landed on the floor and sounded it. It had a tone of finality about it. The archbishop went still and the pope corked the bottle, although it still looked empty. The archbishop slumped like a puppet whose strings were cut. Merlin swiped up a candle, lit it with his standard issue grenade lighter and let the wax drop allover the stopper and bottleneck. His father pressed his ring into the hot wax.

"Well done Galahad." Innocent said. "Impressive for a novice."

"Yeah, well a gentleman should be adaptable. Harry taught me that."

"Take him outside and teach him about confession. I will take care of the last rites myself." The pope said to Merlin, choosing to ignore Eggsy's dig. Which was exactly the correct response from a gentleman, as Harry could have told Eggsy, had he been there.

Merlin nodded silently and took Eggsy back out to the staircase, where he sank down on a step and breathed out slowly.

"Seriously? Why do I gotta do confession?" Eggsy asked, feeling a bit shaky and latching on to the easiest topic available to fill the silence.

"It is a condition of receiving general absolution." Merlin replied, wiping a handkerchief across his head and neck.

"There's no one here who wouldn't combust on hearing it." Eggsy said, sitting down beside Merlin.

"I've read your wrap-sheet and seen you bum a princess. Would you like to tell me which sins you have committed that I don't already know about and would be surprised by if you admitted to them?"

"Ain't I supposed to be repentant? I ain't sorry for doing what I had to do. Nor for doing Tilda neither. She's right fit and she wanted it."

Merlin shrugged.

"I prefer to think of it as admitting that there is room for improvement. I've been confessing to sodomy, as the situation requires, for years. I don't see myself giving it up any time soon though."

"I don't think being gay is a sin. Didn't He make you how you are?"

"As they say 'the thing and the appearance of the thing'." Merlin replied. "So what dirty Unwin laundry have I not yet been privy too?"

"Where do I start?" Eggsy asked.

"The beginning, as you've never done this before. I suspect we have time. The archbishop has a lot to unburden himself of before I take him out."

"Right, well." Eggsy scratched his nose. "Is disrespecting your elders really a thing?"

* * *

The archbishop had clearly been crying when they were allowed back into the room, but he thanked Eggsy and Merlin for their part in his exorcism and gave Merlin his forgiveness for 'putting him out of his misery'.

Merlin shot him cleanly and the little group returned to the church. An escort was called and Eggsy was sent on a tour while the pope took his son's confession in an actual confessional. Eggsy hoped there was a lot of sodomy in it.

* * *

Eggsy stretched out his legs and leaned back in his enormous seat on the Kingsman jet. He hadn't seen the pope again, just been steered in the direction of their limo by a thoughtful-looking Merlin. Eggsy had kind of wanted a selfie to add to his collection of famous rescuees. But he supposed assisting was not the same as rescuing.

"So that's another day at the office I can never tell Mum 'bout." He sighed.

Merlin snorted an agreement. He was also leaning back, eyes closed.

"Still, me soul should be whiter 'an white right now."

"I don't know, you were out of my sight for at least an hour and that nun you were given as a guide was quite pretty."

"She was at least a hundred! Stick to men, Guv. Your eye is better there." Eggsy said before noticing that Merlin's mouth was turned up just the tiniest amount at one corner. "Oi!" He protested. "Don't start thinking you're funny, coz you ain't!"

Merlin just snorted at him again. Apparently, he had either never gotten the hang of the gentlemanly version or, more likely, just didn't give a shit.

"What's the rest of the family like?" Eggsy asked eventually, when he couldn't keep the question back any longer.

Merlin sighed.

"Pa believed in sowing the holy oats far and wide. Half-brothers and sisters allover the place. Most of them I have never met. Most of those I have, I really wish I hadn't."

"And your mum?" Eggsy asked.

"The druidess of small hippy community in Glasgow."

"How the hell did that happen?" Asked Eggsy.

"Never managed to get any sense out of either of them on the subject." Merlin said. "Mum says she was hurrying along the road to collect her robes for Beltane from the dry cleaner, when she saw this enormous, chubby, naked man across the road. She was distracted and banged straight into Pa. Pa says he didn't see any flashers, but he was attempting to read the A-Z at the time because it was his first trip to Glasgow and he was lost in the wrong end of Rangers territory. How exactly that lead to me, neither of them are entirely clear."

"Is that how you passed the necessary weirdness test for joining our lot?" Eggsy asked. "Because it really is a bit fucked up Guv."

"I suspect it was certainly a contributing factor." Merlin replied.

* * *

Harry was waiting for them at the foot of the stairs. His hair was in uncharacteristic disarray and he looked rather nervous, but resolute. He ignored Eggsy's sharply questioning eyebrow.

" _Darling?"_ He asked in Gaelic.

" _My love."_ Merlin replied and let his lips turn up in a slight smile _._

" _He finally told you, didn't he?"_ Harry ran his hand through his already fluffy mane.

" _He explained a few theories of his."_ Merlin agreed with a slight dip of his head.

" _Does it make a difference?"_

" _Not to me, Love. Although I need some space to think a bit before we talk. I'll see you at home."_

Harry beamed.

"Oi! That is _rude_!" Eggsy said. "In fact Arthur, just what were you thinking? Letting me go off all unprepared like a lamb to slaughter?"

"Camel, sacrificial camel." Said Merlin and smirked.

"My apologies Galahad." Harry ignored the apparent non sequitur from his partner. "Somethings are better experienced for oneself. It makes believing them easier. I will make it up to you. Why don't we have some Education? There is a concert this evening at Saint Martin in the Fields, how about we infiltrate it?"

"Church music?" Eggsy asked. "I dunno, Guv. Is it happy-clappy shite?"

"Classical, in the crypts. Interesting atmosphere, splendid acoustics." He began steering Eggsy gently away in the direction of the bullet train. "You need to change first, that shirt has clearly been wet."

"You should see the jacket, vom allover. Have you ever been involved in an exorcism Harry?" Merlin heard Eggsy ask just before they were out of earshot.

"Not directly, no. I consider myself quite lucky there, considering Padre's general dislike of me."

* * *

 _"Why did you put Galahad through that?" Merlin asked, once he was safely shut away in the soundproofed and bug-free confessional._

 _"There should be more than one person at your agency who is capable of reacting correctly to an attack by a supernatural entity, should that ever become necessary." The pope answered. "Even if only to contain him until more qualified assistance can be arranged."_

 _Merlin heard spaces where a lot of things were not being said._

 _"Why now? Why Eggsy? Why did you never let Harry join us?"_

 _Innocent opened the window between the boxes and looked at his son. "Have you truly allowed that creature to blind you so completely with lust over the years that you actually have no idea?" He was met with a look of incomprehension. "Harry Hart died of a drug overdose while you were studying at Cambridge and his mortal husk was possessed. Did you really believe the experience had caused such a complete personality change? He loathed and derided you for what you are."_

 _Merlin blinked._

 _"It was a near-death experience that allowed him to admit he had been repressing his own sexuality as a result of his early conditioning." He protested.  
_

 _"That is the lie the demon told you." Innocent replied. "And you have accepted it because it is the lie you wanted to hear. They always tell you what you want to hear. That is not Harry Hart, and I have no desire to conduct two exorcisms simultaneously. Especially as he seems to make you happy and does not appear to imperil you any more than your own nature would cause you to imperil yourself."_

 _"No." Said Merlin firmly. "You are telling me that my most significant relationship is a fiction created by an entity to ensnare me and you have allowed it to continue **because he makes me happy**?"_

 _"That is exactly what I am telling you and I am disappointed that you did not see it yourself."_

 _"Pa..." Merlin warned._

 _"You know how to force him to reveal his name. He knows he remains on this mortal plain at my sufferance and in deference to you."_

 _"He really isn't Harry?"_

 _"He's been Hart longer than Harry was." Innocent replied. "And whatever he truly is, so far he seems to be the better of those two of God's creations, although I have no idea why he has latched onto you. Perhaps that is for you to find out. And it is why I am pleased someone else now knows how to deal with him, because should he ever reveal himself to have been playing a long game, I very much doubt you would have the objectivity required to exorcise him." He closed the window. "At least now you know the sin you should actually have been confessing to all these years. You may begin."_

 _Merlin crossed himself slowly as the information settled itself into his brain and began to bring light to unexplained occurrences and the often bizarre interactions between his father and his partner._

 _"Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been five years since my last confession. These are my sins. I have cavorted regularly and joyfully with a devil..."_

* * *

 **AN2** \- So who else was considered responsible enough to be a talking animal in a nativity play while the popular kids with the pushy parents posed as silent angels/kings/parents of the Savior etc? I can't say it harmed me, I got my first computer for (not throwing a hissy-fit about) the role.

What does Merlin hide under his cassock that he can't also hide under a kilt? I don't know, but it must be something very cool/useful to make up for the reduced airflow because Merlin is basically a very practical person. As is his dad.

Can I make a Merlin with a more bizarre backstory? Yep, and I think I am done with Catholicism for a while, so it may be coming soon. I really want someone to draw me "The Birth Of Merlin", it is pretty epic in my head.


End file.
